Okay, so why the picture of the two naked ladies with apples and what the heck does it have to do with jokes? Nothing, I was just shamelessly trying to get more visitors to this post…I was trying to convey the message like they do in those beer commercials…drink this and you could have lovely ladies all over you too!
Same with the title, how else was I going to get you to read this article?!
Anyway, I love jokes, they taste great! I always used to have a problem where I never could remember the jokes I was told. I would hear a joke and then try and tell it at a later date and then really screw it up. In fact, I pretty much, annihilated the whole joke and by the time I eventually got the punch line there was no one left around me to tell. (Some of my friends may argue that is still the case!) 😛
I’m still not sure why, but I love making people laugh! It is a bit like a drug, a healthy drug, and the laughter acts like a magnet. When was the last time you laughed so much your ribs hurt? I don’t know about you but sometimes, the silliest of things, can still be the funniest!
I collated some of my favourite one-liner jokes to share with you as well as some gags for parties. I’m always sharing inspirational quotes but now I wanted to share some humour. These jokes are not my creation, so if I have not credited them and you own the joke, let me know who I’ve stolen it from…so I can rub it in further.
It’s great to have an arsenal of jokes ready like a belt full of Batman’s gadgets…they can be used anywhere and any time to break the ice. They are great at parties and you can even use some of this jokes if you’re giving a talk or a speech, or even just at the bar with your buddies…so you look like the cool one who everyone wants to be mates with. Another great way to attract imaginary ladies!
Without further ado, here are some great one liners…
1. I’m never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!
2. I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.
3. I’ve started going up to peoples doors and preaching about my new gym, it’s called Jehovah’s Fitness.
4. Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
5. A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
6. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
7. I moved into a bungalow recently. I was going to move into a house, but that’s another storey!
8. Do you know what really bugs me? Discreetly placed microphones…
9. Yesterday, my girlfriend said she needed to take a break from me…so I gave her a Kit Kat
10. I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer to wash my face.
Since you’ve read this far I’m going to throw in the bonus of giving you my favourite chat up lines…
1. Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world?
2. Is your name Summer? ‘Coz you’re HOT!
Further Bonus: Woah, you’ve come a long way to being an absolute stud or studette! So to complete your transformation, learn these following jokes or keep others like them in your arsenal, and you are sure to become a sex machine!
1. Doctor: “I’m going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother: “Why, I thought you said he was perfectly healthy?” Doctor: Oh I did but his bath is overflowing.
2. A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose.’ The woman did as she was told. ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.’ Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease…..Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’ Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?’ Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied…. ….’Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’
3. TEACHER: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Sir. Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven!! Very angry Teacher: Where the heck are you getting 7 from?! Very angry Johnny: Because I have one at home sir!!