Instant Attraction Vs Delayed Attraction

Have you ever heard a piece of music and fallen in love with it straight away? However, as time went by, you fell out of love with the song just as quickly?

Have you ever heard a piece of music and not liked it straight away? However, as time passed the song grew on you, and then the song became one that you loved for life?

Do either of those sound familiar?

I was in a coffee shop speaking with a friend recently and this topic arose. It’s a subject which has been in the back of my mind for years but it’s something that I’ve never written about.

Take the same principle but now consider the music aspect just an analogy of many aspects of life including relationships and friendships. In those cases too the same rule has always applied in my life.

Any time I’ve met someone and we’ve hit it off straight away, the relationship has always fizzled just as quickly as it started. It’s something I touched on when I answered this question from a reader.

The contrary is also true. Any time I’ve met someone and the relationship has had a chance to develop over time, the relationship has always lasted.

In my case there are rare exceptions to the rule but that pretty much sums up my life as it is right now and the people around me.

This conversation was sparked when the friend and I were talking about relationships. She said to me that she’s been dating someone and that they’ve been on four dates. She really likes the person but has yet to feel the ‘spark’. She asked my advice on what she should do and my opinion was simple.

A relationship will not necessarily flourish just because the biological spark existed from the offset. In fact, now, my first reaction nowadays is to be slightly more cautious no matter how tempting it might be to go full throttle.

I said that the lack of the spark could also be a prelude to a wonderful relationship. A deeper connection that goes beyond the physical connection; beyond a chemical reaction to an external stimulus.

2011 proved to me several times that jumping in at the deep end was unwise.

So I said to my friend to give it time. I used my music analogy and she said that it made sense and felt right to her. It reminded her of something that her dad had said to her which was “in the past, marriage was a path to love. But now, love is a path to marriage.”

Override

Look at your life, has this been the case with you and does it mean it will always be that way? No, it doesn’t have to mean that at all. All it means is that if you do find you have an instant spark with someone that it’s worth taking a slightly more conscious approach.

Taking a breath and not getting swept away with the current is actually the choice of someone who is wise and experienced. I’ve actually noticed older and wiser people who have done this with me. I never knew or understood the reason at the time but after recent events it made perfect sense to me.

It’s only an assumption but I’m sure it’s sound. I’m positive that they’ve been through similar experiences hence took a step back.

Going With The Current

Aren’t we supposed to go with the flow? Aren’t we supposed to be in the natural flow of life and let the current take us forward as is talked about in many Law of Attraction books?

The answer to that for me is very simple, no! We don’t always understand why the current is leading us where it is or why we happen to be in that particular river.

If you do not like where your current is taking you, you’ve been given the power make a different choice. You may already be in the wrong river and be looking for the one that is right for you. When you do find the right one that’s exactly when you can go with the flow.

The same applies with relationships. The journey is not always black and white. You don’t always know the real reason you’ve connected with a person. If you have an instant spark, you can afford to approach the relationship with patience.

27 Responses

  1. Hi Amit! I’m new to your site and this is the first post of yours I’m reading after subscribing.

    This post is so true! I love the music analogy, it happens to me on a daily basis. Most songs seem boring after I’ve heard it many times, but songs that I had trouble with understanding and appreciating turns out to be songs I don’t get tired of easily!

    • Amit Sodha says:

      Hey Amanda,

      Firstly thank you so much for you comment and sharing your thoughts. You talked about the songs in your life but what about in other areas of your life, including relationships, has it followed the same pattern?

  2. R says:

    Hey Amit, this is a very true analogy about relationships. I guess the most important thing about relationships is to read between the finer lines when looking at love songs. I personally think that a relationship is a deep connection between 2 people that comes out of love, respect, understanding and appreciation for one another… I think when people find that connection with their better half its special and very important..

    • Amit Sodha says:

      Hey R,

      Exactly and that’s also why I believe there is no rush. When people feel that instant spark there is a tendency to feel the need to rush. I’ve made the mistake in the past and paid the price. I know there are always exception to the rules but I’ve just learned to slow down a little. If I do feel the spark I just tend to take my time! 🙂

  3. R says:

    Hey Amit, I agree I like to take my time to when it comes to matters of the heart. I dont think these things need to be rushed and I believe that it will happen when it suspossed to happen with the person your meant to be with. 🙂

  4. R says:

    Hey Amit, I agree I like to take my time to when it comes to matters of the heart. Plus I think if I was rushed into a relationship I would only feel more stressed! I dont think these things need to be rushed and I believe that it will happen when it supossed to happen with the person your meant to be with. 🙂

  5. yana mar says:

    🙂 this is exactly what i needed to read today. thank you.

  6. Denise Herold says:

    I ‘m instantly attracted to a personal trainer who works at goodlife on etobicoke. There’s nothing wrong with instant attraction. I like hot looking guys.that’s why.

  7. Fiona says:

    So… should I give this guy a chance? Met a great guy online last year. He’ was living in a country town that was 4 hours away from me. We exchanged emails every few days for about 3 months. These emails were funny, light-hearted and sometimes quite deep. He’d ask quite probing questions about me, like he was really wanting to get to know me better. I’d do the same. We got to know each other really well.
    One day, after he took his kids camping for two weeks (he’s been divorced for many years) he dropped off the radar. On a whim a few weeks ago, I decided to email him just to ask how he was. Lo and behold, he replied “Hey beautiful. This is weird. I was just thinking about you the other day. I was volunteering at the Avalon Airshow last Friday night!!” (I’m a pilot in my spare time, hence the comment).
    He told me that his transfer to Melbourne came through earlier in the year and he was now working, literally, 15 minutes away from where I worked. He said we really should catch up for a drink soon…so we did, last Monday after he finished work.
    So, we caught up. He was even better looking in the flesh than his profile pics looked…and buff, lol!!!
    I looked like a million bucks, rocking out a pair of super skinny jeans, killer high heels and a white top…(sorry if that sounds arrogant).
    We had a few drinks and the conversation flowed freely..I was very subtle with being tactile, but not in a slutty way…..but his body language was a dead give-away. We parted ways with him giving me an ambivalent “I’ll contact you…”….As I walked away, my gut was screaming ..”He’s not into you.”.
    I texted him a few days ago, just to say “Thanks for the drinks. It was great to finally meet you!”. No mention of 2nd date at all.
    He sent me this text message today:” Hey you. Sorry for the late reply. I’ve had a bit on over the past couple of days. It was great to meet you as well. You’re a lovely and interesting woman. I’m afraid that I didn’t have that romantic connection with you. But perhaps sometime we can catch up again for drinks and a chat. You’re an exceptionally attractive woman, and I’m certain that one of your Mr Rights is just around the corner. Take care beautiful, NAME.”
    I respect this guy totally for at least not “ghosting” on me…..and I never thought he would. He has manners.
    I mean….WTF?? OK, so he didn’t feel a “spark”….but he thinks I’m great totally hot. I simply replied “All cool. Drinks and a chat sounds good. My shout next time smile emoticon”
    OK…I’m really confused here. Should I just cut him out of my life because I clearly want more from him than he does from me…or should I play it cool, catch up with him when it suits me, ’cause I sure as hell am getting out there and seeing other guys.
    I guess it boils down to this. If the initial chemistry just ain’t there, will it ever be…and can I accept…honestly accept.. that next time we meet, he may now have someone he’s seeing…or I’m seeing someone new?
    Sorry…this was meant to be short…**sigh**

    • Amit Sodha says:

      Hey Fiona,

      Firstly can I just say – wow! 😆 I love your honesty and just saying it like it is.

      A very interesting dilema, and I definitely do not think you’re alone. With regards to your the options you mentioned at the end – there is definitely NO RIGHT OR WRONG answer to this. It truly just comes down to what you believe is right for you.

      When the situation is reversed, I myself, and many friends I know, if they really like a girl, won’t give up after the first failure…they may continue to be friends with the person and allow nature to take it’s course. Things often can and do change.

      Speaking to you and just offering some basic advice:

      “OK…I’m really confused here. Should I just cut him out of my life because I clearly want more from him than he does from me…or should I play it cool, catch up with him when it suits me, ’cause I sure as hell am getting out there and seeing other guys.”Cut him out of your life? If he seems genuine and wants to remain friends, then I say why not, if it’s something you’re open too.

      “I guess it boils down to this. If the initial chemistry just ain’t there, will it ever be…and can I accept…honestly accept.. that next time we meet, he may now have someone he’s seeing…or I’m seeing someone new?”Will it ever be? Of course it can happen, chemistry and develop over time, I often don’t trust the instant chemistry, because from experience that chemistry fizzles as quickly as it started.

      I’m not trying to cop out on giving you a definitive answer, it truly is just dependant on what you feel is right for you. And as a guy, I can honestly tell you the shoe has been on the other foot many a time for me, but I just roll with it, keep an open mind, continue dating and just try and enjoy the experience 😀

      Hope that in some way helps you!

      ~Amit

  8. Clara says:

    Omg Amit you made me laugh so hard, I ‘m not ready yet to open myself cos working on an old wound and just been rejected after 3 months of let tin myself being used. I hope to find a man like you very very very soon!!!!!!

    Be sure to find more comments on more articles of you in tha future! Checking you out!
    Greetings

  9. Andy says:

    Amit,

    I enjoyed your article on relationships, more so because I have experienced the exact type of relationship that you speak of.
    I had taken a workshop for voice acting and on the first day when I walked into the class, there she was, when I stopped to introduce myself we both just froze for what seemed like enough time for everyone else to notice …something happened.
    We spoke on the phone the next day..it lasted for hours. Our conversation was magical..before long she was sharing some of her deepest emotions about her past that she said no other of her friends ever heard. We shared our passion of writing, she is a playwright and myself a poet. her along with myself could not explain what was happening only that it was fantastic, I have never been showered with such words of passion and love…cherished..adored…loved…perfect..beautiful…and tis one got me, when she said “I’ve been waiting for you all my life”, and I’ll never leave you.
    Conversations at night ran into the morning, there where even times when she asked me to tell her a story or say sweet things of how I loved her, then she would fall asleep only to awake the next day ,as she put it, with her phone under her ear and when she got out of bed the earth moved.
    But after a few dates (which where magic) and two months she said we need to slow down,get to know each other, I agreed because I did not want to loose this soul mate ( the term we gave it). But I am a jump I the deep end guy and when I felt the slow down was more like a stop, I panicked …meaning I would try to communicate and when she did not reply, I continued in attempt to contact her..text..phone calls..email.
    Her next move was to say she was not ready for a relationship, she said she has issues ( she has been in therapy for a number of years),and her failed marriage that ended with her husband cheating on her.
    The less I heard from her the more I grab for her attention, she made a few weak attempts to talk but she reneged on every date or planed time together, until she finally said we needed to cease all communication.
    So, I am now in therapy as she is, but for me she is the reason I’m in it.
    AS you say, I need to slow down, I move to quick, and I am too willing to give it my all, no holds …till the end.
    I though our age (she is 56 , I am 63) experience and our educated background would assure this immediate connection would last forever, I was very very wrong.
    Next time…. apply brakes with caution.
    Thanks for the read.

    • Amit Sodha says:

      Hey Andy,

      I’m so glad you enjoyed the piece and thank you so much for the story, although very sad, I think that is a lesson to all of us and many guys, to make sure they take things slow, even if it appears safe to take things faster.

      I hope you find your way through this and come out on the other side wiser and ready for what may come next.

      Wishing ou all the best,

      ~Amit

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