One For The Nice Guys

How to tell a friend you love them…How to ease your heartbreak

For many Love = Friendship. So being in love with a very close friend leads to the next logical step of forming an intimate relationship.

I would love to be able to address this article at everyone but I think given the nature of the topic I think it would be difficult to do so although that doesn’t mean that not everyone can learn something from it. This is probably one of the most challenging and long articles I’ve ever decided to write simply because of the nature of the topic and the undefined way in which situations like this can be handled.

So firstly guys, my question to you: Have you ever been in love with or fallen in love with a friend only for them to turn around and reject you? Their answers might range from, “I see you just as a friend” or “I don’t feel that way about you.”

For many young men events like this can be both heartbreaking and soul destroying. I have been in that situation many times and even recently was in that same situation. I’ve heard so many stories where one party loves the other but the feelings weren’t returned. The truth is that situations like that are common and the first challenge is whether or not to act on your feelings. That in itself is a big challenge! For most guys, at the best of times, the decision of whether or not to go ahead and speak to a girl about their feelings is tough enough as it is. Firstly, you’re friends with this woman and it’s something you might value deeply. With that in mind you become faced with difficult choice: 1) Tell her and it could go either way. She will either feel the same about your or not and in which case the decision to tell her may permanently harm the friendship. 2) Don’t tell her and never find out how she felt about you. The element of regret can leave a lasting sting.

As I said earlier I can’t really speak from the perspective of what it must be like on the flip side for the woman in both ways, i.e. being on the receiving end but also being in the same situation and being in love with a friend! I’ve been in that situation more than once and a number of people have said to me that I fall in love to easily, it’s probably true, but I have a very loving nature towards all my closest friends and I do get attached quite easily. But in response to that attraction is such a natural thing and should never be frowned upon. I’m fortunate to have many close female friends who are have amazingly loving and good natured personalities as well as being beautiful. So naturally if I feel that the girl and I have a great friendship and in addition to that I find her attractive it seems like only natural to me that the next step would be to be honest with her and find out how she feels too. I know, I know, I make it sound easy I know but it’s where the rocky road begins.

Before I go any further guys, I don’t have all the answers, my sole intention with this article it to make that challenge just that little bit easier to handle. There is no dichotomy of a right or wrong way to handle this. You do however have to make a choice while taking into the consideration the feelings of the person you wish to tell and be understanding towards them. I’ve seen some guys totally undermine the woman’s feelings because they allowed their own hurt to saturate them and become totally oblivious to the females needs and end up leaving them hurt, lost, and a feeling that they’ve been abandoned by a friend.

So lets begin…

1. First and foremost, it’s time for me to be a bit brutal! Guys, don’t be such babies! This woman who you’re in love with isn’t the only woman you’re ever gonna love and if she doesn’t love you back it truly isn’t the end of the world! I know I’ve started off harshly but you have to accept this fact if you’re to stand a chance in making this thing work. React aggressively or childishly to her or her answer and you will end up blowing it for good! So first and foremost, before you do anything, give yourself a pep talk, if you’re too distracted get a friend you can confide in, tell them the situation and get them to give you a pep talk! Keep on telling yourself that no matter how this ends up, the most important thing is her, be understanding and compassionate towards her!

2. Make sure you plan a time and place to tell her properley! A time when you’re both alone, absolutely no distractions, just you and her, somewhere quiet where you can talk in your normal voice and can have good eye contact! Avoid doing it in a restaurant, at a club or anything like that, do it if you’re having a quiet meal at home and or watching a movie. Turn off the movie, finish your food and begin. Make sure you have nothing in your teeth though! 😆 For heavens sake, don’t do this over email, phone or text messages! If you do any slight misunderstanding could screw things up for good! It’s vitally important that she sees your body language and that you see hers!

3. When you get to that stage when you’re ready to tell her, don’t blurt out what you want to say, it might be a good idea to reassure her how much she means to you; that you will always be there for her and that you value your friendship highly! Once you’ve reassured her and made her feel at ease, it’s time tell her! Be honest and straight forward. Don’t try and tell her in a way which is indirect, it doesn’t serve you and you may not end up getting a straight answer which might leave you more confused then when you initially began down this path!

I can’t tell you what to tell her, that’s got to come from your own heart and soul, all I can do is put you in a better mental state in preparation for this big event!

4. Once you told her reassure her again! This is vitally important! Explain to her how much she means to you and that no matter what she says that you will be there for her. If she feels the same way, then you need not read further! 😀 If however she does not feel the same way about you it’s time to offer her some time. At this point, make you sure you gather yourself, this is a time where you might waffle something you didn’t mean to. Take a moment! Ask her if she would prefer it if you were to give her some room for a set period of time, e.g. a couple of weeks. Listen to her, acknowledge what she says, and respect her wishes!

5. Don’t run away because you’re upset!! Let the evening come to a close naturally and when it’s your time to go make sure you leave with a smile, again reassuring her! Once you’ve left, the heartache will really kick in! That being the case it would be worth having your pep talk friend on standby! Get them to accompany you somewhere! Go for some drinks, make sure you have someone there you can talk too! Despite what any macho guys might be thinking right about now, nope, strip joints and lap dancers aren’t going to ease your pain! Feel free to go do it if you want but it really won’t help or change the way you feel!

6. As tough as it might be for you to be around her, stick with her! If it gets to the point where your health is suffering then be honest with her. Don’t blame her, but do tell her honestly that you’re finding it tough. She will more than likely be understanding and compassionate towards you. Maybe explain to her that you need a bit of time away again reassuring her how much her friendship means to you! Take your time out but keep in touch with her, let her know that you’re thinking about her and are not just wrapped up in your own feelings. Do whatever you need to do during that time, but keep yourself occupied, don’t close yourself off from people, it’s people who will help you get through this challenging time!

Trust me guys, I’ve been there before, many a times! It’s even been a case where me and a friend have been in love with the same woman, in which case I’ve always yielded and in fact, I will do whatever I can to make help and support them getting together. It’s not easy but it’s because their friendship and my love for them has and will always be of paramount importance to me! If I had the choice of my happiness over my friend then my friend would win every time hands down!

If you don’t have someone to talk to, you have me! You can get in touch with me if you wish. Whatever happens don’t bottle it up and even though times like this can be scary and painful there are other people out there who’ve been through it too and can help you. I hope in some way I’ve been of help in giving you chance in telling the person you love how you feel, whilst at the same time, keeping a close friend!

I wish you success with your friend, your potential future lover, I sincerely hope it goes well! 🙂

9 Responses

  1. Kavita says:

    Bravo! love it! you are certainly the bravest souls i’ve known.

    The flip side is the same (for girls) best thing is to always be honest. However the friendship and indeed the two people invloved need to be mature and secure enough in thier friendship to keep the friendship alive, should the feelings of deeper love not be a recipricol feeling. Harbouring feelings for someone with out tellig them is a painful expereince, at least if you tell them, its out in the ether and something can be done from it…the core reason many of us don’t, is fear! Fear of rejection, fear of the action, fear of it being recipricated! etc.

    Ask yourselves this….continue to be the slave to your fear, or be the warrior and be free with your heart!

    peace and blessings! Love on!

  2. Amit Sodha says:

    Hey Kavi, maybe you can write one for us from the girls perspective on things? 🙂

  3. Kavita says:

    ohhhh! i may just do that! It can be my first article on my blog page!!! 🙂

  4. Amit Sodha says:

    First thing you need to do is decide what you want to call your blog. I’ll then show you how to set it up! 🙂

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