I don’t usually do this but this was a life coaching testimonial that I had to share from a client that I worked with recently. I could see that it wasn’t going to be a standard coaching outcome and boy was I right!
Life Coaching Testimonial For Amit Sodha
Before beginning my testimonial of how much the coaching that Amit provided, which was nothing short of a miracle for me, I feel it would be better for those who read this to know my journey and the highs and lows I went through to get to understand the true help that Amit provides through his coaching.
I was born up north and from as early as I can remember my life had been surrounded by the love of family and friends. I didn’t know at all what it was like to not to love and not be loved. I can say that I was an extremely strong child full of love for others and protecting those around me and my life was amazing. They were and are still the most precious years of my life. Little did I know that it was this love in my heart that would be a silent light that kept me strong through what was going to be a hard time for me (I say for me, as I know people have been through far worse). The next 27 years of my life were an eye opener for me. Nothing from my childhood prepared me for what was to come.
We moved to London and I can’t remember if I was excited or just sad to be leaving all my friends behind. It was the summer holidays and spent most of the time playing with my cousins and brothers and all did not seem too bad. That all came to an end however, once I started school. I had no idea what I had done so wrong that the whole class turned against me leaving me not a single friend to talk to or play with. I got called names, sworn at, tormented or just plain ignored. All I could think was what had I done, what was wrong with me, why does no one want to be my friend. It was such a shock to my heart which only knew how to love and didn’t understand hatred. I cried every day, my parents didn’t do anything and nor did a single teacher. It was the first time I ever experienced what being truly alone meant. This lasted for 4 years, and during that time I just spent my time focused on my school work during the day and crying myself to sleep at night wishing I could just die as the pain and heartache was too much for me.
At the age of 13 an older guy (14 years older than me) came into my life. He paid me so much attention that he made feel special and beautiful in so many ways and it was so refreshing like a band aid to my pain. During our 4 year relationship (yes, a relationship is how I saw it) he brought back some of the confidence I had lost. Secretly I was saying to all the bullies, I do have someone who loves me I am not alone any more. However, little did I know that I wasn’t the only girl in his life. At the age of 18 I found out he was sleeping with other girls and women. It came out when a girl he was sleeping with got pregnant and he married her. I was completely crushed all over again. Felt like a completely fool for even believing someone could have loved me. At this point all the taunts from the bullying were like a dagger piercing my heart, that I was ugly and worthless and of course didn’t deserve love or friendship. This pain was even more unbearable than that of the bullying and again (even though I did have a best friend at this point) I didn’t have anyone to talk to. It was taboo subject that I couldn’t speak to my parents about as they were old school in their values. My mum would have been totally broken that her daughter had been taken advantage of without her realising it, so I kept it to myself to protect her.
At this point I was literally ready to call it a day and I had chosen to end my life on the guy’s birthday. I had it all planned out the letter was written and the method chosen, but God had other plans as when I looked on the calendar roughly two weeks before the day itself all I could see was the word “Rakshabhandan” written in red below the number. My heart skipped a few beats and I was torn. On one side was my pain and the other my love and devotion to my two younger brothers, who had no clue about my life. I really wanted to die but I couldn’t hurt my brothers. God had played on the one thing he knew my heart wouldn’t let happen and that was me causing heartache to others. There was no way I was going to die letting my brothers think they failed to protect their sister from pain. So like I said earlier my love and devotion to others was what would keep me strong even though I wanted to die.
For so long afterwards I kept on trying to find a way to die without hurting anyone but couldn’t find one. I still continued to blame myself for what had happened asking all the usual questions – why me? What have I done wrong? Why does no one want to love me? All these thoughts constantly wearing me down, never being able to trust anyone fully.
Eventually at the age of 21, I met my first true boyfriend who showed me what true love was. He was the first person I ever spoke to about all that had happened. His reaction to what I had told him was so profound that it was the first time, since I came to London, that I felt protected and not alone any more. He didn’t look down on me or judge me. He accepted me for who I was flaws and all. Our bond grew into something so strong during the 5 years we were together. My ex became a best friend to me, he understood me and knew everything about me. He spent those years trying to show me I wasn’t ugly or flawed and I shouldn’t feel like that, but no matter how hard he tried I could never truly let myself believe it. I did then and still do now, cringe when someone says I am beautiful. I couldn’t trust those words because of the bullies who had said I ugly and worthless and then the last guy only said it to just get me to sleep with him.
The relationship with my ex came to an end because he couldn’t hurt his mum and had to honour her wishes and so we parted. Even though it was a mutual ending I was still very much heartbroken. At this point in my life I did have a friend and cousins I could turn to. I asked them if they could keep me busy by me coming over to visit or if they planned something to include me. This was so I could take my mind off the pain of not having my ex around. But not one them came to my aid, didn’t call to check if I was ok or anything. Again I was left to my own devices to get through the loss.
I tried to eventually date new guys but my love for my ex kept on making me feel guilty, like I was betraying him and our love. My ex knew me so well and knew I probably was alone coping through this. So he ended up messaging me every day to make sure I was ok and not returning to a dark place again. Those messages kept me going for so many years after we had parted. Then one day we met up and all the love and devotion between us just came to the surface and I became pregnant.
Over the years I always prayed for a child to love with all my heart and when I found out I was scared but also happy that my prayers had been answered. Now I had a reason to live for I thought. Unfortunately it didn’t end that way. My ex not happy for me to keep the child, even though I said that I wouldn’t ever ask him for a thing. I begged him to see how much it meant to me. He was like if I keep this child I will be dead to him. He also said and think about what this would do to your mum and family. I was torn in so many ways and his blackmail eventually led me to having an abortion. I didn’t want to give up this precious gift that God had given me despite the circumstances. I felt trapped and so I had the abortion all on my own as he didn’t even think to come with me and support me through it.
I was thrown into complete blackness and guilt which I couldn’t shake. Even the light from my love for my brothers was barely shining through. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to and I began to hurt myself, not badly but just deep scratches on my wrist to deflect the pain from my heart into a physical form. It was the only way I had at the time to cope. I felt I didn’t deserve to be happy or to have a life after denying someone else a chance to be born. I couldn’t forgive myself for being so weak and going against my heart.
I eventually tried counselling after speaking with my boss at work, but it didn’t help. The sessions were too clinical and the therapist didn’t understand my guilt and why I strongly felt that everything was my fault. I felt I should have been stronger because I am strong (the child in me was trying to cry out and say we are strong, remember me), so why did I let myself be bullied, taken advantage of and emotionally blackmailed. A year and a half later I tried another therapist, she was slightly better at understanding but she still felt I had done nothing wrong and there was nothing I needed to forgive myself for. I kept on saying oh, but I have wronged. I chose to let those people bully me/take advantage of me/blackmail me. I was weak and a fool. So I stopped the sessions as they were not helping me.
The anger I felt towards my ex for letting me down when I needed him the most was what eventually led to the crack in our love/bond. This finally freed me from the guilt I felt with meeting a new guy and going on dates. I joined a few dating sites but kept on coming across guys who were only interested in sex and somewhere deep down I felt it was what I deserved because I wasn’t worthy of anything else due to all the bad things I had done.
Things got worse as even work (which had been my safe haven) had become unbearable for me since new colleague was literally bullying me and it brought back so many memories. I was back to crying myself to sleep and hurting myself as I was lost.
Last year in July 2017, I came across Connect Asian (“CA”) and I thought why not give this a try. I started to meet a few guys but my guilt of not being worthy came into play and I would just push guys away. I just didn’t know what to do or if I ever would find a guy to love and have a future with.
Since joining CA (ConnectAsian) two things happened. The first was that I met my Personal Trainer (“PT”) through the site and he could see I was unhappy and not sleeping well. He said as a PT it was his job to ensure I was happy and sleeping well so that I could train better. He asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t tell him about my relationships etc. as I was ashamed so I told him about my work situation. After a few weeks of going on about the same issue and not having done anything about it, I decided I better do something about it as I can’t keep on seeing him twice a week at my training sessions and moaning about the same thing. He would think I am a miserable person who just moans and will become a drain. I couldn’t live with him thinking this of me in this way. So by the next time we had met, I told my boss that things are not working with this new person even after going to mediation sessions to work through our issues. She pure and simple hated me and told my boss that I needed to think about my happiness. I told my PT and he was so happy I stood my ground. The girl eventually after numerous warnings was told to leave. I had my safe haven back.
Then eventually I told my PT the rest of my story and he said try to speak to someone again. I didn’t know who to speak to as therapists lacked the kind of understanding I needed. It was only early this year when I went to one of Amit’s Dating Mastery classes and he mentioned he provided coaching on dating that I sought out Amit to speak to. To be honest I didn’t really need coaching sessions on dating itself but more on how I could work on forgiving myself and freeing myself from the guilt I felt so that I could connect with someone again.
The reason why I was drawn to Amit as someone to coach me was because he had experienced and been through things in his journey. For me only someone who has done so is, in my opinion, able to fully appreciate why I was feeling the way I was and attempt to even guide me through it all.
Through our 6 sessions he was patient and never once undermined my thoughts or feelings. He listened and asked appropriate questions. He gave me exercises each week to make me think about things differently. I also realised that these coaching sessions would only work if I went into them with a completely open mind and a willingness to know a change was needed. It was absolutely key that where was trust and honesty from both sides. Lying to myself and to Amit would not give me the benefit of what he had to offer.
He made me do things which were out of my comfort zone and the only way for it to be fruitful was to fully embrace those moments. As I said the process will only work if you work with it and not against it, not matter how silly it makes you feel.
In one of my sessions Amit asked me a very simple question:
What will help you forgive yourself?
I had never thought about it before because I had always thought I don’t deserve forgiveness. I am impure and have sinned. God will never forgive me. Amit understood I was religious and knew I felt as if I had failed in my own eyes and in God’s. I remained silent for a while pondering and Amit asked the same question again.
It was only then that I realised that if I can’t forgive myself then how can I expect God to forgive me. If I can’t accept my own flaws and embrace them then how can I expect anyone else to also. As I thought this, another thought came into my mind as to how I would ask for forgiveness and make a vow to start my life anew at the age of 37.
I am follower of Lord Shiva and for the past few years I have been visiting 12 of his most famous temples in India and in June 2018 I visited the last of the 12 up in the mountains of Uttrakhand. It was there that I wrote a letter asking for forgiveness not to God or myself but to my unborn child who I denied life to (who I named Azizi (meaning precious)). I vowed that from this day forth I will honour her and live my life being the strong person I know I am, always live by Lord Shiva’s code of love and devotion and to always spread love and happiness and smiles wherever I go. To never intentionally hurt anyone and always make it right should I do so. I sent the letter along with my guilt floating away into the holy river to mark the start of my new life.
I could not have done this without the initial push from my PT and Amit’s faith in me through his coaching. Amit’s belief in me of being a good person shone through and made me want to believe the same. He made this possible by providing the right guidance I needed. I will always be grateful to Amit as he has made me realise, where everyone else failed, that I am worthy of love and happiness and I should never let anyone take that away from me ever again.
What I eventually took away from the sessions and what has become my caption is:
“NOBODY IS PERFECT SO WHY DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE!!!!”
Thank you Amit for showing me the way and lifting the blinds I had put in place which kept me in a dark place for so many years. Thank you for bringing my precious moonlight back as a beacon to light my way in the dark and to show me I am not alone anymore.
– Truly grateful