My Suicide Attempt

I’m about to share a story that I haven’t shared with many people. I only just began doing so relatively recently because I wanted to use it as another way of helping people who may have been through or be going through something similar. About nine years ago I came very close to committing suicide.

Seeing Someone Do It

Before I continue that story I wanted to share something else. About 5 years ago, I was working in a building which had 21 floors and at the very top floor they had a cafe. One day I had to be in work early and so I got there and realised that in my haste I’d forgotten to have breakfast. I decided to go to the cafe and grab a coffee and some toast. The canteen had two sides of seating areas and in the middle was the counter. One side was non-smoking and the other was the smoking section. From the counter you could see both sides. I’d placed my order and was totally oblivious to what was about to happen.

From the non-smoking side I heard someone shout: “Oye, get down from there!” I had no clue who this guy was talking to but then I looked over towards the smoking section and realised that there was someone there who was trying leap from the window! I ran over as quickly as I could to stop them but it was too late. I was about 3ft from them when they jumped and plummeted to their death. It goes without saying that seeing something like that is very upsetting. After I got back downstairs I saw one of my colleagues and then I just burst out crying and hugged them.

I shared this story as I’ve been closer to it than most. Not only did I try it but I’ve seen someone else do it and I’ve also managed to stop other people from taking it any further too.

My Suicide Attempt

About 9 years ago my life wasn’t going too well and I decided that I’d had enough and that I wanted to end it all. I can’t remember exactly when it was, the day, the time or anything like that! I mainly remember being in that place and it will always serve as a reminder to me of somewhere I choose not to visit again.

Things were pretty bad and I had lots of problems including finances, health issues, very few true friends and a job I hated doing! I remember other parts of the day clearly though, I remember what I was wearing, I remember what I was thinking and I clearly remember how I was feeling. For me it was one of the darkest times I can remember about my life.

I recall that I wasn’t even sure how to kill myself. It’s a strange thought to have when you’re suicidal: “What’s the best way to kill myself?” But you do truly end up thinking about it. At the time the only option open to me was to slash my wrists. So, I got a knife, locked myself in the bathroom filled the tub with water.

I know many people say that people who are suicidal are very selfish because they don’t consider the people they will leave behind or what they have. That’s true but in reality when you’re in the suicidal state that type of thought is the last thing that enters your mind. The strange thing is that the people who say that, are right but, the person feeling suicidal needs something or someone to shift their focus. If neither of those come to them then they will likely go ahead and commit suicide. If they get intervention and someone knows how to shift the focus of someone who is feeling suicidal, quickly and effectively, then you can get them out of the suicide state.

Talking to them about what they might be leaving behind is not answer though; you need something more creative and smart.

Whenever I think back about it I’m reminded of the scene from the movie Pay it Forward where a woman is about to jump of a bridge and Jerry, the homeless drug addict, says to the woman: “Save my life! Have a cup of coffee with me?” What did that do? It shifted the woman’s focus completely away from her own problems and she realised that by not jumping she could in effect save someone else’s life.

So there I was, the tub filled with water, and I had the knife at the ready at my wrist. I was blank, cold and numb. I was feeling scared but also, in a topsy turvy kinda way, excited that everything could be over very quickly and soon all the pain would disappear! I pressed down on my wrist and nearly cut into my skin when something stopped me and a little voice just popped into my head and said: “Don’t worry; everything will be better tomorrow, just live for one more day!”

Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad. I thought “yep I’ll do one more day and if things don’t get better then I can always have another go!” So the next day came and I was feeling a bit better and so I didn’t feel the need to kill myself. The next day passed and another and still I didn’t feel like committing suicide again. I was still in pain, I was still very depressed but by then I felt a bit stronger and realised that I could get through it.

The next thing that happened was that I came across a story about a guy named Jerry (coincidence, or providence?) which can read here on the ‘About Amit’ page written in bold that made a huge difference to my life. I can’t remember who sent it to me but I do remember receiving it in an email and then later reading that very same story in the book ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’. It was the message of that story that gave me the greatest hope to continue and turn my life around. The next big thing that entered my life and I can’t remember how was the book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. The combination of those two things assisted me in completely transforming my life around.

The final thing that helped me turn things around was the movie The Secret. I remember being one of the first to see The Secret about 3 years ago and it was as if that was the missing piece of the puzzle that pretty much enabled me to answer most, if not, all the question I had in life.

Why People Feel Suicidal

I’m not an expert on suicide by an stretch but all I’m doing is elaborating on the experience I’ve had with it and what I’ve learned from the whole journey; not just what I’ve been through but also what I’ve seen others go through to. The thing with suicide is that it involves an extreme of focus. The events that lead up to someone feeling suicidal cause the person to only focus on those things. Their peripheral vision narrows and they can only see the thing that got them to that point in the first place. Their thought patterns on that subject almost become habitual and as a result the feelings intensify as more time passes.

That is where a shift is needed and very things can cause a shift in the thought pattern but if you can find the right A:LKHG{OIEHFPWOEFHphfepowhfEPhfeipwdfUHPJFEI – Did that just shift your focus? 😉 Did you think for a second “Amit must have had a keyboard malfunction!” I didn’t but I knew that when reading that suddenly, if only for a brief second, you would thoughts would get interrupted and you would forget what I was talking about.

The principal for people who are having suicidal thoughts is similar. You can break that pattern and if you’re trying to help someone then you’re only job is to find a smart way of doing it!

If right now you’re feeling suicidal and you’ve just arrived at this blog post I want you to realise two things. Firstly through your own volition you’ve arrived here and secondly that you can’t deny that the timing is beyond coincidence; there is something greater that brought you here, a force far greater that you or I. Call it providence, call it fate or destiny, personally I don’t think the term matters but I do believe we’ve all arrive into the right place and right time.

Helping Suicidal People

This part could be potentially controversial because there are all sorts of ethics that come into play when it comes to suicide. You are in essence taking responsibility and putting for the life of another human being in your own hands. It’s not a question of whether you should or not but rather, the decision by you, on whether you choose to help them or not. So ask yourself whether you are helping them any more or less by choosing not to help them? That should stump you for a while. If anyone does come to me and say they are feeling suicidal then I choose to help them in anyway possible which will include pointing them in the direction of some sort of professional counselling service.

People have always said to me that I make them feel better just by them being in my company and so that’s always the first thing I’ll do is just give people my time. That first step is sometimes enough to make them reverse their decision to end their life. Maybe in fact it’s all they needed; for someone to pay attention to them. I will not leave it there though as, on its own; giving people attention is not enough to change someone’s whole attitude to their current situation.

There is a myth that you need to listen to someone harp on about their problems and I personally don’t like that method. From my experience it perpetuates the problem. I’m an action taker and I’d much rather give people constructive help by asking a whole different set of questions. If they’ve been asking themselves “why is this happening to me?” then I’ll ask them “how has this event given you a new set of tools to deal with life?” but before I do I might throw in a distraction or two and ask them something like “do you remember the first time you drove a car?”. What did that do? Suddenly they’re not focusing at all on the depressing thoughts and instead they’re thinking about something that is most likely a fun memory!

I love this quote from Viktor Frankl

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

My goal is simply to get someone to understand that before the response there is a choice and it is the choices we make in those spaces that ultimately change and determine where our life goes.

Following On

After performing those initial steps I’ve always found that I’ve done enough to help that human soul move up and beyond that path of self destruction to one of self creation. What else is life except a path of creation at each step?

If someone has come to you asking for you help how do you know what a suitable point is for you to cut off contact and let them go off on their own? Again, from experience I can say that it’s something they will do naturally and my advice to you would be to not force or resist the process. Let it happen naturally and support them through the transition. You will find that they will stop contacting you as much and they will start doing things without telling you and they’ll even surprise you as time goes by. These are all good signs which is why I say let them progress naturally.

Managing Your Own Expectations

You’ve done something for someone else and it’s natural to expect something in return. Even if it’s something as small as loyalty which is why I’m giving you the warning in advance that if you catch yourself experiencing this then you’re in a good place and you can then become aware and then slowly let those expectations go.

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There are so many directions I could take this article in but I realised it could end up being potentially extremely long so I kept the scope of it quite narrow. I hope that it’s helped two kinds of people specifically. Those who are feeling suicidal and those who have been approached for help by someone who is feeling suicidal. I want you to know that you are not alone. There is no shame in feeling that way and know there is a way out. Reach out and ask for help! You may even be surprised at who comes to your aid! Not all people are clairvoyant and know what you are going through so just speak up and get some help. You will never regret that step.

No one ever does.