How to Find and Keep Your Perfect Partner: 2 Proven Secrets

Perfect Partner - You don't have to be interesting, you have to be interested.

There are only 2 secrets you need to find and keep your perfect partner.

I know only too well, the struggles you face with modern online dating in this day and age. Most people will often blame the apps. The truth however, is the incessant need for messaging.

No matter the exceptions to the rule, you cannot build a real connection with someone, until you meet them. This is why I’ve been running my D.I.R.L. Challenge, that is, getting people back to dating in real life.

The secret to finding a perfect partner

The first secret to finding a partner is utilising the 36 questions by Arthur Aron and his wife Elaine (Spalding) Aron. Using these 36 questions sequentially will allow you to gradually build a deeper connection to the person you’re on a date with.

The idea of using these questions, may seem a little contrived at first, and even may take away from building an organic connection, but what have you got to lose by trying something different?

Ask the following in sequential order.

36 Questions

Group 1

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Group 2

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Group 3

  1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Keeping a healthy relationship with your perfect partner

The next is then understanding the research and studies done by John Gottman of the Gottman institute.

John Gottman, an American Psychologist, renowned for his work on Marriage Stability and Divorce prediction, said that couples are always making “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humour or support. Each bid presents an opportunity for the other individual to turn towards and acknowledge the bid, or away and dismiss the bid.

An example would be, one partner turning to the other and saying, ‘come and read this email from my boss about my performance’. Essentially that is one partner making a bid to the other for attention. The other partner can either turn towards, or away from the bid.

After 6 years and a follow up of newlyweds, JG found that couples who remained married had turned towards their partner 86% of the time. Those who ended up divorced had accepted bids only an average of 33% of the time.

The four horsemen are the behaviours that cause the most harm and damage to a relationship. These are:

  • Criticism
  • Contempt
  • Defensiveness
  • Stonewalling

How to find and keep your perfect partner

This is how you can find and keep your perfect partner. Are you willing to try these to help you in your relationships?

Imagine if we taught this in schools to children and made this the key learning over the nonsense that is currently being taught. Or better still, imagine if parents learned this and passed this onto their children.

2 Responses

  1. Reena Kaushal says:

    I think that this is a beautiful read because it delves into the most important questions of what one would want from a relationship in the most realistic sense and I feel that it is always about bringing your authentic self forward in a relationship and to the world.

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